Ships I Will Go Down With

First, let’s talk about a ship.  If you’ve just joined the Internet this concept may be foreign to you. You aren’t on a boat with T-Pain but rather a pairing of two people you like or, I suppose as Urban Dictionary so eloquently puts it:

SHIP
(N): Short for romantic relationship, popularized in fanfiction circles.(V): To endorse a romantic relationship.

These ships are not necessarily canon.

CANON

(ADJ.) A piece of work -usually in reference to literature- that was written by the original author. Spin-offs, fan fiction, and any work not written by the original author of that fictional universe is considered non-canon.

Draco x Hermione

As JK Rowling has said numerous times, nobody was supposed to like Draco, he was the bully, the biggest, baddest asshole in the school. Yet millions of girls (myself included) went giddy over him. More than likely this was due to Tom Felton’s charming performance of the villain in all 8 Harry Potter films. So naturally shipping the school bully with the smartest witch of her age only seems natural.  I’m a firm believer that Draco would only make fun of Hermione because she out smarted, out witted him and would really never let his bullshit affect her. He knew that she was maybe once of the only people in the school more intelligent than he was and if it wasn’t for her blood status he would have her every which way he wanted.

 

Jack x Rose

EVERYONE SHIPS THIS COUPLE, ENOUGH SAID. Also now that Mythbusters debunked that they both could have survived I demand that James Cameron rounds up the crew and shoots an alternate ending where Jack lives. Ammiright?!

 

Cato x Katniss

I don’t think I cared for them until the film The Hunger Games came out. There was so much sexual tension between these two, I swear I was getting all hot and bothered in that theater. Even though I knew how it ended I just wanted them to make out just once. JUST ONCE. Also, not many people ship this couple which is rather surprising to me. They scream Dramione of THG world.

 

Rick x Evelyn

I think I shipped these two before I even knew what shipping was. Remember in mid 90s – mid 2000s Brendan Fraser was attractive? He was just so hot and Rachel Weisz played one of the coolest female characters I had seen at that point in my life. Everything was just perfect.

 

Drogo x Khaleesi

If you have seen the first season on HBO’s Game of Thrones then you know what I am talking about. It was quite hard to ship them at first because of the whole awkward rape scene between Drogo and his Khaleesi. BUT after I read the book I discovered that that is not how it went down at all and that HBO is just continuing it’s subpar treatment of powerful women. Anyway, before I knew anything about GoT I was convinced that these two would DESTROY the Lannisters and rule the 7 kingdoms with dragons and sexiness. Poor Drogo  after some cockiness in a battle had to leave us to go ride in the Night Lands with his ancestors leaving Khaleesi to dominate The Seven on her own.

 

Jackie x Hyde

Hyde hated Jackie for a majority of the run of That 70’s Show but when they got together it was just so WRONG that it was absolutely right. Hyde hated literally everything Jackie was about and Jackie was too superficial to even notice Hyde was more than just a lump in the corner. Their brief but sexy and dramatic love affair was one of my favorite parts of the show.

xx meow

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16 clues you probably drank too much last night

1. Waking up face down short ways on your bed. All the lights are still on and you are still fully clothed including your shoes.

2. The way your money/method of payment is shoved into your bag. Namely, wads of crumbled up cash and your debit carelessly throw into some random pocket. Basically, your money is everywhere except for your wallet.

3. The amount of snacks you wake up to. Did you spend $30 at the bodega on beef jerky, cheese its, and gummies? **Bonus points if you wake up with snacks in your bed such a pizza or taco bell.

4. When you wake up and your clothing is thrown sporadically around the house. Usually your shoes are ditched somewhere near the entrance, your coat thrown on a chair, then pants come off while you’re peeing because they’re already around your ankles, so why not?

5. You wake up sitting on your couch dumping that last 24 you HAD to drink all over yourself/the furniture while infomercials play because it’s 5 AM.

6. Waking up covered in blood, whether it be yours or another’s.

7. Waking up in a suitcase/bathtub/dog bed/kitchen because you can’t find your bed.

8. Bruises. Every size, shape and form. Some more painful than others but all of them in really odd places that you probably wouldn’t normally bruise. Unknown drunken injuries happen as frequently as the sun rises and sets.

9. When you sleep through your work/school alarm for three hours. Yes, even that terrifying and annoying BEEPING alarm.

10. You are so dehydrated you feel you could actually drink all of Lake Superior.

11. You have at least three new contacts in your phone where you both were texting like you were just slapping on the keyboard. ** Bonus points if the other person mentions something that you talked about but you have no recollection of (i.e. “Last night was rough….did you buy your morning Dr Pepper yet?”). No sir, I don’t even know who you are….

12. Your pack of cigarettes is empty. You just bought that right before you went to the bar…

13. You have 18 voicemails from various friends frantically calling to see if you’re alive. One explains that you called them and left a message asking them to call Benson and Stabler because you were walking home alone and someone was going to get you.

14. You wake up at a stranger’s house and you can’t find your pants but you want to get out of there ASAP. Fuck the pants. Run.

15. Your motor skills are shot. You can barely string together a sentence and you dropped your first cup of coffee on the cat.

16. Your friends told you that you disappeared and were later found by the bartender asleep in the bathroom.

 

xx meow

Who I would call the save the world…

If asked to put together my own personal team of The Avengers it would probably end up looking a little something like this:

Will Smith:

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At this point I’ve lost count how many times Will Smith has saved the world from aliens. It has been at least 4 times, probably more. Will Smith has also survived the apocalypse in New York City. Not to mention he is also a badass detective and a civil war hero that battled a giant mechanical spider in the old West.  But really, if aliens attack he is the number one guy I am calling. He’ll just punch that mother in its ugly alien face while protesting that he should have been at a barbeque. Welcome to Earth.

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Bruce Willis:

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How Bruce Willis and Will Smith have never had to team up to save the Earth is far beyond me. Bruce Willis’ resume is probably just as long, if not longer than Smith’s when it comes to the saving of humanity, as we know it. Now Bruce Willis is tricky. He’s got this weird time thing going on. He is obviously from the future there is no question about that. He knows all about flying New York taxis and going on a cruise to outer space. He saved the world from complete destruction by helping to find some ancient ass stones with a whiney Chris Tucker is a cheetah print suit. Thank God Looper happened though so we were able to figure out how exactly Bruce got back from the future in time to stop an asteroid from pummeling Earth in the 90s. It also explains how he didn’t actually die on that asteroid saving Ben Affleck’s life so he could go bang Liv Tyler. He just loopered himself to some other element of time. How about the time he was in a devastating train accident and he was not only the sole survivor but also he came out completely unscathed? This guy has seen it all, aliens, explosions, Snape as a terrorist and some creepy kid that can see dead people.

And his real name is Walter. Walter Willis. Walter White? Shit.

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Norman Reedus:

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Have you SEEN Boondocks Saints? Really all the proof you need but Norman Reedus decided to one up us and flaunt that he is a seriously impressive zombie killer. If the world went to shit by way of zombies instead of aliens or giant asteroids he is without a doubt my top pick to hide behind. The way he handles that crossbow are what dreams are made of.

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Samuel L Jackson:

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Do we seriously need an explanation? Like, SERIOUSLY? It’s Samuel L. fucking Jackson and he is holier than thou. Sharks, snakes, gangsters, Sith Lords, DINOSAURS…Shaft!

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Daenerys Targarean:

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SHE. OWNS. DRAGONS. Real, fire breathing dragons. If that can’t win I don’t know what can and I am ready to give up the fight.

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My Girl Crushes

Kristen Stewart.

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Pre-cheating scandal, pre-Twilight and pre-highest paid actress, KStew was just caught on her stoop smoking a bowl giving no fucks. That is when I fell in love. Technically I should hate her because Twilight is literally the worst thing I have ever heard of but her no shit attitude sold me. Her androgyny is just so hot. I love that she wears skinny jeans and sneakers and hates heels. But I love when she wears dresses because you never get to see her in them and it makes it more special. She’s kind of an asshole and it can go either way but I know I would have a lot of fun hanging out with her. Oh and she played Joan Jett and nailed it.

also, can we talk about her legs?

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Amber Heard.

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I’ve literally never seen anything this woman has been it but damn is she flawless. I never cared for her at all, never paid attention to her, nothing. Then I had a random sex dream and I was converted. She is perfection. And she dips into both teams. I’m here for ya, Amber.

Rachel Weisz.

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I’ve pretty much loved her since 1999 when The Mummy came out. It became one of my favorite movies and it still is to this day. She is a goddess. Like, I can’t even handle her perfection. AND she bagged Daniel Craig. They are such a beautiful couple I weep at the sight of them.

Mila Kunis.

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She was annoying as fuck as Jackie on That 70’s Show but you still kind of liked her? I did. I’m not quite sure when I decided I loved her. She seems like such fun. This comes to mind:

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Also, someone once told me I looked like her. I almost cried.

Megan Fox.

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Before she fucked with her face she was perfect and I think everyone can agree with me. Blue eyes + dark hair = me dead.

Olivia Wilde.

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I had an obsession with House for a long time. I was addicted and watched it all the time. Half the time I was so distracted by the beauty of Thirteen (and also the hot Aussie doctor) that I would rarely have any idea what was happening in the episode. Spoiler alert: It wasn’t lupus.

Scarlett Johanssen.

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I remember one photo in specific that turned me on to her. “She has a great rack,” I thought. Then I saw her face and was in awe. That pout! So innocent when so undeniably sexy. It is so unfair.

Maja Ivarsson.

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Maja seems like the black sheep on the list but she is so fierce I can hardly be in the same room as her. If you have never listened to The Sounds (you should) they’re a Swedish rock/electronic band. Maja has some of the best stage presence I have seen. It is such a breath of fresh air to see a woman in rock more like her and less like Hayley Williams.

Turning Someone Down

It’s happened to all of us, developing that crush, finding someone so criminally cute it’s painful. You just want to see if you can get in with him or her somehow, some way. I’m sure we’ve all been turned down in horrible and cruel ways.  I once had a guy tell me that he didn’t want to sleep with me because my face was “fucked up.” Um, seriously bro?! Who says that to another human? But, on the other side of that I was once turned down very pleasantly. This boy I had been eyeing for a while told me, “It’s not gonna happen. I have a serious girlfriend, but if I didn’t you’d be the first place I would go.” After the shock of the initial denial wore off I cackled like a hyena on Nitrous Oxide. It’s a backhanded compliment for sure and he may or may not even mean it but he was hot, so I’ll take it.  (FYI – This was a year ago and I still stalk his FB and he is still with that girl. But I won’t lose faith!).

You could read blog after blog, article after article about how much it sucks to be turned down because, well, it does. But in fairness of equilibrium it can suck JUST as much to have to turn down some poor soul and I’m not talking about the douche bags that sloppily comes up to you at the bar at 3 AM begging for your number. No, I’m talking about people you know, friends even (or acquaintances), which have secretly been harboring this hidden attraction for you. Sure you may have picked up on it, I have before, but you never actually thought the said person would DO anything about it. I am well aware of human nature and it is much harder to make a move like that on someone you have known for a while rather than a stranger at The Levee. It is such a dangerous territory that most won’t even entertain the thought of entering it. I know I wouldn’t (which could potentially lead to my ultimate downfall but I could never deal with that humiliation if it didn’t go according to plan). It took me a while to find my inner voice that would say to me “maybe this is a bad idea” it took even longer for me to actually say those words to another person.  I used to be one of those “go with the flow and it will be all over soon” types of people. Not the best way to live your life.

The first time it happened I was showing my best friend’s ex around the city. We had only recently been okay with each other because when we first met we hated each other. After we finished our adventure I sent him on his merry way and proceeded to walk back to my residence. I then got a text from him asking me to meet him back at the subway station. There were no red flags yet but fresh out of high school things like this didn’t quite process in my brain yet. Needless to say the second I got back to him he kissed me. I swear I jumped so far I was afraid I was going to be launched into orbit.  I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what he thought he was thinking. He was my best friend’s ex. That is the biggest NO and everyone on this planet knows it.  So I looked him straight in they eye and said, “No, she’s my best friend. Go home. You don’t really want this anyway.” He begrudgingly agreed and left. I called my girlfriend about 8 seconds later and told her. She laughed for a good 15 minutes because she know how I felt about the fool.

The worst though is having to turn down someone you know well…and like. Just not like-like. Someone who is so lost in this world that he is like a little puppy that got away from its mother ala Babe, Pig in the City style.  Someone who does not have one cruel fiber in his or her body and may actually be the nicest, sweetest, most adorably innocent person you know.  Basically someone that Cher would consider completely Clueless. Having to turn down THAT person is one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced. Honestly, I think I would have been able to deal better had he just come out and put a move on me but the poor thing ASKED if he could kiss me. He ASKED, which I respect, it’s quite gentlemanly but do you know how painful it is to have to look at someone while you’re both wearing ridiculous Halloween costumes and tell them ‘no’? One of the most awkward moments of my adult life, that’s for sure. But I let him down as gently as possible. Tried my best not to make him feel awful and hoped that neither of us would ever speak of it again.

Just remember next time someone turns you down they’re having and extremely hard time with it as well.

xx meow

Things I loved in Highschool

Things I loved in High School

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Instant Star – We all know Degrassi was the original Canadian drama that wormed its way into our lives for over a decade yet when Instant Star started it was all over for me.  It was about a girl, Jude with awesome red hair that wins an American Idol style contest in high school.  The drama following her win was everything a 14 year old wanted.  School bullies, a jealous older sister…and Tommy Q, Jude’s sexy older producer.  I would be lying is I said I didn’t STILL listen to the Instant Star soundtracks.  The songs were written for the 16-year-old heartbreak, which I don’t care what anyone says, remains relevant until you are married and never breaking up. It was the best angst on television. Also, I’ll just say it again. Tommy Q.

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Good Charlotte – It literally pains me to put this down but I actually owe GC so much. Good Charlotte brought me out of the shitty pop music stage that middle school left me in and brought me back to music of a very different genre. I’m not going to get into the semantics on pop-punk vs. punk vs. pop. vs. whatever else you may call it. I am just going to say that Good Charlotte opened an entirely new world of music for me and for that I will thank them. I now like bands that play their own instruments. Also, let’s not lie to ourselves and try to deny the catchiness of their music.

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The Mall – I guess Mall Rats was made for a reason because if it isn’t accurate, I don’t know what is.  I’m pretty sure I went to the mall nearly every day after school. Mostly, it was to eat three pounds of Panda Express because I refused to eat school lunches. The other reasons would be to a.) Lurk hot boys that didn’t go to my school and b.) Dick off in Spencer’s and waste my money on the actual stupidest shit I could find.

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Trying to meet the band – Post Good Charlotte when the category of pop-punk took off like a rocket, it was nearly impossible to find someone that wasn’t sucked into the madness of it all. The amount of money I (…my parents) spent on my concert tickets in high school could probably rival my college tuition. Like many of my other fellow dedicated fans I would arrive hours early and stay for hours after the show in hopes to just get a picture with one of my favorite musicians. Honestly, I had about a 70/30 success rate. It was glorious but now I am horrified that my senior page in the yearbook is literally all pictures of me and Fall Out Boy.

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Warped Tour – Warped Tour kind of goes hand in hand with the above but it was absolutely one of my favorite days of the year. I mean, it wasn’t all that expensive AND there were guaranteed to be at least 10 bands you would want to see AND 90% of them did meet and greets AND there were always hot alternative boys to stare at.  Heaven on Earth tbh.

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Sleeping in my car – I never have been and never will be a morning person. I know this for a fact. Yet I had the option of starting high school classes at 7:40 am, 8:35 am or 9:30 am. When I started at 7:40, I could take my lunch last period and be out of there by 1:00. It was perfect. I could spend the least amount of time in school as possible. Then senior year rolled around. I got lazier, cared less and because more rebellious.  I would take my time getting to school and if I got there more than 10 minutes late, I would skip my first period (it was pre-calc anyway, who cares?) and take a nap. I probably spent at least one day a week passed out in my car. It was to the point when my class was filming the senior video and I was nowhere to be found, so where did they check? My car. Where was I? Asleep with a box of donuts on my chest.

xx meow

The Shittiest Boyfriend I’ve Ever Had

The shittiest boyfriend I’ve ever had

My whole dating life has pretty much consisted of me picking the worst of the absolute worst. That’s why I usually don’t date (also, I’m cynical), so I never have to worry about adding to the already-too-long shit list of crappy dudes. Yet, as I get older and as my friend’s relationships become more and more serious they all tell me the same thing, “They aren’t all bad. Keep trying, you’ll find him. I did.” So I force a smile, fake a giggle and try not to roll my eyes and walk away. We all love our friends and appreciate their effort but the last thing a single person wants to hear is, “it will happen eventually.” Fuck off, please.

So, let’s talk about this guy, shall we? Let’s call him Brett, mmkay? As much as I would like to publicly call him out on his shit he knows where I live.  I guess you could say I met Brett at work, through a mutual friend we’ll call Will. Will had been asking me out for months and I would always say no. I generally enjoyed him as a human but it would never work to date. Ever. Around the time I put in my two weeks Will asked me if I knew who Brett was, I said no. I had never seen him in my life.  It was true, I hadn’t. Where I worked had around 200 employees, it was difficult. Will told me that Brett liked me (and by liked thought I was hot because we’ve never even spoken). Some odd days later Will was trying to convince ME to text BRETT. I’m sorry but who wants to talk to a girl but gets HER to text HIM?!  Brett’s excuse was that he doesn’t “chase women.” Typing that last sentence actually just made me laugh out loud because seriously, what the fuck was I thinking?!?  Him not wanting to text me first because he doesn’t “chase women” should have been my first red flag. Honestly had I realized that then I could have avoided a lot of the annoyance that would plague me for the next month.

Finally, the d-bag texted me and (only myself to blame here) since I was drunk I thought it would be a great idea to invite someone I’ve never met over to my house.  Fast-forward about two weeks to where we are officially dating. This guy began to annoy me basically from the get go. I’m a very solitary person. I REALLY like being alone. A lot. This guy would come over and not leave for DAYS. Literal, actual days. This is how I knew right away it would never work. When you’re with someone you want to be with, you want to be around them all the time. Every minute of every day and even that doesn’t seem to be enough. I am really bad at breaking up with people so I decided to figure out the best way to do this. I thought maybe if I ignored the problem it would go away and I would learn to like him. LOL. It got worse. He would want to have sex all the time, which fine, I like sex but he was a terrible and selfish lover. I would wake up in the morning with his hand in my pants. Like excuse me? Allow me to fully process that I am a living human being before you start to finger my unconscious body you prick.

One time he got so drunk that we went to the bathroom, fell over knocked everything down, came back into my room, PISSED on my bed and then went to sleep. When he woke up in the morning he accused me of cheating on him because we used a condom that I had instead of one he bought but he was too drunk to remember. He still to this day thinks I cheated on him.

What really solidified the deal though and caused me to finally break up with him is I went out with my girlfriends one night and my phone died. This is what I discovered the next morning:

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(we’ll ignore the appalling spelling and grammar for the time being)

After those texts I was fed up and honestly completely horrified by him. This video, by the way, was taken without my permission and I freaked when I saw him doing it. I DO NOT like having that shit on photo or video because it WILL get out.  We broke up a little over two months ago and to this day he still is texting me asking if we could be fuck buddies. Ever time I laugh and feel a little bit sick to my stomach. I would rather be the human centipede than date you again.

xx meow