The Shittiest Boyfriend I’ve Ever Had

The shittiest boyfriend I’ve ever had

My whole dating life has pretty much consisted of me picking the worst of the absolute worst. That’s why I usually don’t date (also, I’m cynical), so I never have to worry about adding to the already-too-long shit list of crappy dudes. Yet, as I get older and as my friend’s relationships become more and more serious they all tell me the same thing, “They aren’t all bad. Keep trying, you’ll find him. I did.” So I force a smile, fake a giggle and try not to roll my eyes and walk away. We all love our friends and appreciate their effort but the last thing a single person wants to hear is, “it will happen eventually.” Fuck off, please.

So, let’s talk about this guy, shall we? Let’s call him Brett, mmkay? As much as I would like to publicly call him out on his shit he knows where I live.  I guess you could say I met Brett at work, through a mutual friend we’ll call Will. Will had been asking me out for months and I would always say no. I generally enjoyed him as a human but it would never work to date. Ever. Around the time I put in my two weeks Will asked me if I knew who Brett was, I said no. I had never seen him in my life.  It was true, I hadn’t. Where I worked had around 200 employees, it was difficult. Will told me that Brett liked me (and by liked thought I was hot because we’ve never even spoken). Some odd days later Will was trying to convince ME to text BRETT. I’m sorry but who wants to talk to a girl but gets HER to text HIM?!  Brett’s excuse was that he doesn’t “chase women.” Typing that last sentence actually just made me laugh out loud because seriously, what the fuck was I thinking?!?  Him not wanting to text me first because he doesn’t “chase women” should have been my first red flag. Honestly had I realized that then I could have avoided a lot of the annoyance that would plague me for the next month.

Finally, the d-bag texted me and (only myself to blame here) since I was drunk I thought it would be a great idea to invite someone I’ve never met over to my house.  Fast-forward about two weeks to where we are officially dating. This guy began to annoy me basically from the get go. I’m a very solitary person. I REALLY like being alone. A lot. This guy would come over and not leave for DAYS. Literal, actual days. This is how I knew right away it would never work. When you’re with someone you want to be with, you want to be around them all the time. Every minute of every day and even that doesn’t seem to be enough. I am really bad at breaking up with people so I decided to figure out the best way to do this. I thought maybe if I ignored the problem it would go away and I would learn to like him. LOL. It got worse. He would want to have sex all the time, which fine, I like sex but he was a terrible and selfish lover. I would wake up in the morning with his hand in my pants. Like excuse me? Allow me to fully process that I am a living human being before you start to finger my unconscious body you prick.

One time he got so drunk that we went to the bathroom, fell over knocked everything down, came back into my room, PISSED on my bed and then went to sleep. When he woke up in the morning he accused me of cheating on him because we used a condom that I had instead of one he bought but he was too drunk to remember. He still to this day thinks I cheated on him.

What really solidified the deal though and caused me to finally break up with him is I went out with my girlfriends one night and my phone died. This is what I discovered the next morning:

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(we’ll ignore the appalling spelling and grammar for the time being)

After those texts I was fed up and honestly completely horrified by him. This video, by the way, was taken without my permission and I freaked when I saw him doing it. I DO NOT like having that shit on photo or video because it WILL get out.  We broke up a little over two months ago and to this day he still is texting me asking if we could be fuck buddies. Ever time I laugh and feel a little bit sick to my stomach. I would rather be the human centipede than date you again.

xx meow

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